Words Don't Come Easy

Been back to school for almost one semester, 11 wks of school to be exact, and still feel very excited about it. It has been a wonderful 11 wks for me, I realized that if I put my heart into doing something, I can do it well; even I haven’t done it for a long time. Is it because of my past experiences that have made it easier for me in this course? Or is it within me all along, which I didn’t realize until now? I felt it’s more like the former; I was able to relate every topic I studied in this course to an event that had happened to me in the past, and this has helped me understand better and absorbed faster.

Though the course is getting tougher each term, it has actually made me wanna learn more and has increased my interests and enthusiasm towards Social Work. I know very well that I have chosen the right course and my future path this time. I don’t wanna be the best social worker, but I will do my best to be one, helping as many ppl as I can. I don’t wanna live and leave with regrets, and I don’t have time for regrets now.

In a couple of wks, I will be taking my 1^st exams, after a break of 17 yrs, very nervous and worried about it. Nervous coz I haven’t done it for such a long time and duno how it will feel like when I enter the exams hall, and worried coz too much to cover n not enough time to finish my revision, also bcoz I have been feeling stiffness in my right hand when writing, thus scared that I can’t finish writing for my papers. So now, been practicing my writing and exercising.

Never aiming to be the top student, but just wanna do well enough to be selected to do the honors course, coz at the honors level, we will get more practical training and will get more exposure to real life social working. However, we were told that, even after the honors, it won’t the end. We will need to move on to a higher level, where we need to specialize into a certain area of social works, after a few yrs of practice in this field. Then, this will b a long way for me, not something I should worry or think about now. It’s just something progression, I should be prepared for and look forward to.

One last thing which I must mention is that I have made many new friends, with the same aspiration and passion, and we have so much to talk about and share. They are all working adults, but so much younger than me, yet already have such great visions for social work. We are going to make Singapore a better city to live in and a more loving society. A ‘Revolution’ is on its way!

有了我们，未来的新加坡真的有望了！

It’s another New Year, Year 2012. Many said the world will end this year, but I have so much to look forward to, that I won’t think of this at all. I will be going back to school, doing Bachelor in Social Work at Unisim, starting right after CNY. Going back to study only at this age and especially I have not ‘touched’ books for more than 10+ yrs, 还真的有点担心。Strange that I have chosen this course? Why? When? How? It’s started after I got depression from SLE. I have received a lot of help and support from the medical social workers when I was hospitalized. They gave me a sense of security and also the strength and courage to live on, of coz not all the credits go to them, I have my family members, relatives and friends supporting me then. They have made realized that how little I had contributed to the society in the past, and how much I can provide in the future. The determination of becoming a social worker became stronger after I started working with NCSS. Though it’s just a temporary position, I enjoyed my times with them. And then I realized that I have finally found my aspiration. My only wish now is to complete the course and start my career as a social worker within 3 yrs, if possible. I have to work really hard, and hope God will give me the strength to do it. This will be the purpose of my life in the future.

I also hope I can find someone who can share this with. F U T H I M H.

I wish everyone good health and good wealth this year and years to come. Let’s have a great wonderful and blissful year together. J

True friends should share woes and joy. Needless to say, everyone know this, but in reality how many can really do that. Many people tend to share joy more than their woes. Some are even scared to share woes with others and sad to say I am one of them. I am always worried that my sharing will bother my friends too much and will then add on to theirs’ own problems. Or maybe I am just too afraid to show my ‘fragile’ side???? And is this the real me then??? Is it a good thing???

At times when I poured my woes on someone, I felt I wanted the pity of others; this is something I don’t like. So I chose not to share the unhappy stuffs but only the happy ones, just to make others happy too. I will then be sad when I am all alone. Is this being positive or negative?

Too much of a concern may cause many problems and lead to some misunderstandings. I always tell my friends to be true if u wan the other parties to be true to u. then I am not doing it myself, contradicting isn’t it? I am not totally untrue to my friends though, I just choose to do or say things which I think I can share. And I strongly believe that this is the normal doings among all. I am just doing what others are doing. So is this wrong or right then???

Just like the horoscope, Cancer, the crab always has the ‘strong and hard’ shell covering or hiding the ‘softer’ inner ‘side’ within it. And the tearing and hurting always happen at the places and hours where and when nobody will notice. But does this mean that we, the Cancer, are not true friends? I feel that this is possibly just a way to protect ourselves from getting more hurts from the outside world.

True or false, no one will know, but GOD will. So can we just be true to GOD?? I know some things in the GOD's view are wrong, and these things are those I am unable to resist myself from doing. I will feel guilty after committing the 'crimes' and will pray to GOD for forgiveness. But they will come around stronger. And I will fall deeper into, then harder to get out. So are these parts of my life, which GOD has ‘designed’ for me?

In the early morning of 9^th September 2011, our family welcomed a new member, he is Dexter boy. Dexter’s the second grandson of my parents, but the 1^st for my younger brother, Choon Hou and his wife, Viet Anh. We didn’t expect him to arrive so soon, coz his expected due date is on 20^th September, so when Viet Anh went in labor, all of us  got so excited and were very ‘手忙脚乱’(I meant me and my brother hor). I was on my way home from a swim when my brother called and asked me to bring Viet Anh to the hospital, as he was working late that night. So I ran all the way home after I alighted from the bus. When I got home, I saw Viet Anh sitting calmly in front of her laptop chatting with her sister and my mum watching TV, and I thought probably it’s a false alarm, so I went on to do my own stuffs, but then when I realised they are actually waiting for my brother who was rushing back from work, I started to get excited.

We reached the delivery suite of the KK hospital at around 11.30pm, 8^th September. And there were many others who were also in labor like Viet Anh. From my view, I think the mothers are the calmer ones compared to the fathers, or maybe the mothers couldn’t move too fast coz they were in pain and they wanna be careful loh. Viet Anh was taken to the ‘observation’ room 1^st coz her water bag has not burst yet. So me and my brother went downstairs for a bite as the nurse told us that we may have to wait 1 hr outside.

After our bite, when we returned to the delivery suite, Viet Anh was sent in to one of the delivery rooms already and my brother ‘rushed’ in to her immediately, can really see that he is very excited and anxious loh. (1^st time being a papa mah).

During the time when I was waiting outside for my nephew’s arrival, I was sitting in the waiting lounge and was praying for Viet Anh’s and Dexter’s safety, I was also showing my ‘本能’, observing the people around me. I saw this man; keep walking in and out from one of the delivery rooms. At first I was wondering to myself why this man has so much time to do that, coz the other husband who once went in, never stepped again until their babies were born. So all my attention shifted to this man and then I saw his red eyes, and I started to suspect. Just then I finally saw the gynae, who was in charge of his wife, walked up to the man and spoke in a very serious tone, my ears turned to open, and heard the gynae said, “she is in a very dangerous state now, she needs blood transfusion and they have already sent for the blood”. All I could see then was the man nodded as he turned away to make a phone call.

After about 15 mins later, a lady, the mother of the man’s wife walked in and they sat facing me. The man started to tell the mother about what had happened. My curiosity was aroused again. It was then that I found out that the wife had a difficult delivery and she lost too much blood and the blood couldn’t clog, and had fainted a few times and the doctors had tried many ways but things still seemed very negative for the man’s wife.

At that moment, my prayers for Viet Anh and Dexter shifted to this man and his wife’s and their baby. I could feel my tears dropping for them too. A thought then came to my mind, “at one time, some people may be feeling very happy, there are also some who may be feeling sad”.  

While I was still in the deep thoughts, with a heavy heart and not stopping the prayers, I received my brother’s sms that Dexter is born. I was happy but couldn’t show it in front of the man and the mother, so I stepped out of the waiting lounge to inform my parents, who were also waiting anxiously at home for Dexter’s arrival.

When Viet Anh and Dexter were sent to the ward, I heard that the man’s wife had gone into a coma, I wanna tell the man that I will be praying for his family, but he was already gone to attend to his wife. I regretted that I din tell him earlier. Then another thought, “never wait, before it’s too late”.

Everyday, we welcome newborns into the World; they bring happiness to many, regardless of any difficulties. Becoz they are very precious to all.

At times, when we are happy or sad, we must always spare a thought for others too.

This is the result of the personality test I took from ipersonic.com :

Good-natured Realists are warm-hearted, helpful personalities. They do their work conscientiously and have a pronounced organising talent. They often feel they are committed to traditional values. The family in particular is extremely important to Good-natured Realists. Their greatest pleasure is making themselves useful and taking care of other people. But they do not like pushing themselves to the fore; they prefer to fulfil their tasks out of the limelight. Good-natured Realists are real workaholics; they are very reliable and nothing is too much for them when it is a question of completing a project. Thoroughness, conscientiousness and sense of duty are their strongest points. They prefer established and familiar situations to new and unknown situations.

In dealing with others, Good-natured Realists are considerate and obliging; they are always happy to put aside their own requirements in the interest of their family and friends. Their home is mostly very well cared-for, cosy and tidy. Their perfectionism on the one hand and their aversion to delegating tasks on the other hand often lead to them taking on too much both professionally and privately. They cannot stand discord; conflicts make them very unhappy. One could almost describe them as being harmony-addicted - and this sometimes leads them to strongly neglecting themselves and their own wishes because they are unable to bring themselves to put up a fight.

As a Good-natured Realist you are one of the introverted personality types. Consequently, you don’t appreciate too much commotion around you so you can devote yourself to your task with sufficient intensity and concentration. You can work very well alone and while being immersed in a task, you don’t appreciate to be continuously interrupted or disturbed.

Nevertheless, your need for harmony and your adaptability make you a good team worker if necessary. Therefore, you are relatively flexible when choosing your working environment, and have the ability to decide which setting you prefer. A profession that gives you the feeling that you are doing something for other people is important to you. Good-natured Realists are very caring people and enjoy taking care of others. Despite your in-troverted personality and because you are a feeler-type, it is easy for you to put yourself in the place of others and sense their needs.

You are most comfortable in a one-on-one situation; you are less enthusiastic about delivering speeches to major groups. At any rate, when choosing your profession, make sure to surround yourself with people who share your personal ideals and convictions, and on whom you can count to work with you. Too many obstacles to your caring for and supporting others make you unhappy.

For you, it is important to depend on a clear and structured workflow. You need time to prepare yourself for new demands, possibly acquire new competencies, and finish one task after the other. As a matter of fact, you are less opposed to routine work than many other personality types. To a certain extent, you don’t mind dealing with them. In your workday, some diversions should naturally be available, but juggling three balls at the same time isn’t something you enjoy doing because you would be concerned that the quality of your work would suffer. That would be a nightmare for your perfectionist expectations of yourself and your accomplishments.

Thoroughness and accuracy are some of your great strengths. While other people stand in perplexity before that which you have accomplished, you see room for improvement in everything you have ever done. In your professional life, time-sensitive projects are especially helpful to you because you would be trying to improve rather unimportant details of a project until doomsday.

最难过和委屈的， 莫过于您的亲人怀疑您的用意／心。 当你以为每个人真的感激领谢您为他／她们所做的事时， 某某人却在这时候认为你是在贪小便宜，但不在你面前说，而是在众亲人面前说你的不是，真的很不好受！特别是你从另一位亲人口中听到的，更不是滋味了。糟的是哪某某人却装作惹无其事，还＂笑脸迎人＂地对你。让我了解与感受到＂笑里藏刀＂的意识。也让我＂领悟＂到，在为某些人做任何事之前，一定要三思，否则会＂得不尝试＂，还会引起不必要的误会。所以说＂做好人真难＂是真的。

虽如此，我还是坚信只要问心无愧就能＂克服＂所有＂误解＂与＂困难＂！世界还是美好的！我们还是可以＂以德抱怨＂的！

just a little thots to share :- "Response intelligently even to unintelligent treatment!!"

I must say that this really works, I have experienced it myself.

From young, we were told not to tell lies. Then when we stepped into the working society, we were told to live a honest living. But recently, I found that when I abide by these advice, I don't get the results that I wanted and needed. Very disappointing and depressing at times.

I used to lie alot when I was younger, and got myself into many troubles, and almost lost my family, relatives and my worthy friends, worst of it my will of living. But then there were many helping hands reached out to me and helped pull me back on the right track and I stood up on my feet again. Thereafter, I told myself I will never lie again, I will be honest to others and myself, coz lying is really "tiring"; we have use one lie to cover another and we will never have a peace of mind after telling the lies. (but sometimes i still told white lies - really unforgivable ).

However, in the recent days, this question of whether to tell the truth or not kept coming to my mind. I attended a few interviews for perm job, and I spoke honestly in the interviews, but realised that the interviewers responded very "negatively" towards these honest answers. After each interview, I will rethink and reflect on it to see what may have gone wrong, then will make sure I don't say the same "wrong" things again. Also before going for another interview, I will prepare myself with the possible questions from the interviewers, and will make sure that the answers must be honest too. Still, during the interview, things will not turn out the way I wanted - (maybe I was not tactful enough).

And when I feedback to people, thinking that they may be able to give some good advices for my next interview and improve myself, I actually received some advices to not to be so honest at times. Even when I went to internet to search for help to improve my interview skills, I found that some standard answers to the questions are somewhat contained with a degree of dishonesty, giving you a way to "lure" the interviewers to believe what you say is the truth and be impressed by you and give you the job.

Very funny and ironic, right? but it is so true in this society now, people just like to listen to "good" things, be it true or not. so people just need to know how to act and they will be able to get what they want.

I just can't bring myself to do that now, coz these will prick on my conscience and I feel that I am repeating my mistakes again, I don't want history to repeat it again. But I don't know I can withhold this principle....I so scared I will lose it.....Please Give me a Sign!!!!

最近因遭受几次应征的失败而感失落非常，才知道能谈心事的朋友并不多。或许是我自己不会把心事说出口吧！总是自己能承受的了，但在心理学家的面前却隐瞒不了了，她在追问几句后便已能了解出我承重的心情。我终于也坚强不了了，落下了眼泪。我把那几次应征的经过一五一十地告诉了她，how they reacted when we reached the point of 'discussing' my illness...i din mention bout my depression to some of them though....and how some of them abruptly ended the interviews on hearing of my illness....

我真的不想就这样放弃！哭泣！and LOSING My Faith! i oni wanna a more permanent job so that i can support myself.....so simple yet so tough....

她鼓励我, 要常常找家人，亲戚，朋友，多谈谈我的心事。这样才能减轻我的压力，才能走出曾经经历过的'阴影'。

If ever i were to find a job, with a stable income, which is able to cover my medical and daily expenses, i will use the remaining to help others, who are suffering from any illness and have faced the same problem like me, to get by with their livelihood.....i wanna come out with a solution to help them find a place or a job in the society.....

Praying hard with my !!!!!!   Please let me find a perm job soon....

I have a dream that I really wanna it to come true in the near future, helping pple in needs and trouble, to get what they want and of coz get them out of the trouble and bring them back to the right track. But this dream is not easy to accomplish, as I will need professional training and this professional training will need a large of money. Hence, now I must find a higher paying job which can finance me thru this course. However, it seems like I am not getting any 'help' in this area....

Pple are very glad that I wanna give my helping hand and they are encouraging me to do it, and I have set my mind on it too....but what disappointing me is that they are not willing to give me the job, which can help make my dream come true, coz of my illness ....I really regret that I din take care of my health well in the past.

I have been telling everyone not to give up so easily and always look on the bright side and when there is faith, there will be hope and chances. But I am seeming to be losing it, which it's something I hate to do. I can't just give up without even starting, so i must persevere till the end and keep on trying until someone give me a chance and give me a helping hand.

I must work doubly hard from now on, in order to realize my dream sooner.

Please don't let me lose my faith and confidence in this society....

My 2010 ended very nice, but then 2011 started with me falling sick and ended in bed for 2 days.. . Wondering was it a bad sign for me, but told myself to stay positive as ever, and let nature takes its course. 

Many said that I have changed alot over the yrs and they like my change and my attitude towards life now. They are looking up on me now more than ever.....but is it really me? I m not sure myself sometimes, coz I think this may be due to the medication I m taking now.....but I do feel I m better over the past 1 yr, compared to the previous yr. I will continue to work towards my aim in life, n be satisfied with what I have. I must not rely on the medication much longer, so I have to try harder this year to get me off the mental state n I hope I can find the support that I need to help me thru this period, though I oredi have alot of support from my family, relatives and friends, but there is just something missing......

I have had this 'resolution' for many years oredi, 'Hope this will be a better yr for me n hope my dreams will come true'.....but I dunno if this resolution has really been accomplised anot, coz every yr seems to end gd for me n i will always forget abt things that had happened in the previous yr. Thus I will just keep this resolution again this yr... 

今天是２０１０年最后一个月的第一天，忽然很想写一写。灵感来了，就要快点写。

我本不是你们认为的那么坚强，我就想我的星座，巨蟹座，Cancer (the Crab sign), 外表＂刚强＂， 内心却很＂柔弱＂。我不擅于表达自己，也不会主动，而且一遇到什么难事就会退回自己的＂窝＂，自怨自艾。

但我这只＂蟹＂已经成长了，＂外＂不但更＂硬＂了，＂内＂也长得＂结实＂了，再也不会轻易让人打＂碎＂。

现在还很享受帮助别人的快乐，也只相信将来的每一天会是辛福快乐的。

希望每一个我认识的人也能和我一样过着辛福快乐的日子。

Thx to the spag i took for lunch, at Ghim Moh Kopitiam, on 28 Sep 2010, i had fd poisoning for the next 2 days, on MC. I started vomiting on the way home on that day itself. (Luckily my dad came to fetch me home, if not i will puking in the packed cabin of the evening peck train).

I couldn't sleep for 2 whole nites. Even after the injection i had the 2nd day, didn't stop the vomiting n diarrhea. I starved myself for 2 days coz any amount of fd n water will make me puke n diarrhea....n the sharp in my stomach was really unbearable. I even had blood in my vomit (but din tell anyone coz i din wanna worry anyone).

Then i went back to wk today, i was still feeling nausea on the way to wk n was hafing cold sweats, wanna go back home half way but then still went on to the off. Lucky tat i went in, there r so many things waiting for me there oredi, but these din help release my nauseaous n pain. Finally lunch time arrived n we went for early lunch, mayb coz i haf starved for 2 days le, felt so hungry, i took fish soup for lunch, oso bought some plums back after lunch.....Surprisingly, a couple of hrs after lunch, i felt much better....less pain in the stomach...(n at this moment, Trina came overr n told me tat she told every1 the stall tat i went to for the spag...) I told her i won b hafing spag for a very long time.....

Hope i can catch some sleep tonite to make up what i haf lost for the last 2 nites...hahaha...

"Memories fade and gradually disappear with time, so we have to store them deep in our hearts for always."

However, our hearts will also die away one day and our memories will leave with us, the special ones, that can be shared with others, will then be left undiscovered. Sad, rite? But many many centuries ago, man had oredi found a way to safe-keep memories - 'Diary'. Now, we haf got 'Blog'. Thus, i haf decided to start putting 'wat i think that is worth remembering' in my blog. (So that when i grow old n senile, i can still look back and reminisce).

After a long "departure", I m finally back.

Haven't express myself in long writing for a long long while, so it's kinda hard for me to start again. Having so much that i wanna say but just couldn't put them in words now. Will keep on trying to update my thoughts here from now on. (In fact, i m trying to practise my writing to prepare myself for future plans...hehehe...some people may already know the plan).

Just a little update of me for the past few years....Been really busy with work, going for regular medical checkups, meeting new friends and sometimes old friends and looking for new directions in life - that i have found. (Don't like to face the computer after work).

Hope my plans can go on smoothly and be accomplished. Don't know what to write some more. I will stop here for now....Will Be Back Soon....with more hopefully....:)

Finally got time to sit down and continue my "story" in Krabi. The third day, we set-off to snorkel at the 5 islands, don quite remember the names of the 5 islands but they have very nice beaches and the water was clear. I snorkeled at the 1st destination and felt the current was strong and too afraid to carry on, even with my life jacket on, I quickly swam back to the long-tail boat that took us there and had a hard time getting back into it becoz the ladder to the boat is too high, i struggled quite a while before i finally got back in with some bruises on my knees. I think it becoz i struggled too hard earlier on, i felt my back pain, so on the way to the 2nd island, i told adele i m going to rest in the boat.

When we reached the 2nd island, I think it's Hong island, i decided to stay in while adele took a walk down in the lagoon. She saw many starfish and she videoed them. We had lunch at the 3rd island and went on to the 4th and 5th island but we did not snorkel since the 2nd island, we swam by the beach side and suntan on the beaches. At the last destination, i went into the water coz i saw alot of fishes near the shore, the more i stepped in the more fishes crowded around me and was bitten a few times by the fishes, adele told me it's good coz they ate up the "dirty" stuffs on my legs. About 2.30pm, we headed back to aonang where we set-off from for the day and i went shopping again, hehe...bought something for my brother and my father.

The next day, after our breakfast, at about 9am, we walked down to the pier to wait for a long-tail boat to take us to Railey beach, coz it's too early in the morning and only the 2 of us there, the boatman told us to wait for at least another 4 more persons before he will set-off, if not we will have to pay more for the whole boat, so we decided to wait on. Finally, after 11/2 hrs of waiting, we saw the boatman brought a french family of 4 and we went on to Railey beach.

We arrived at Railey east and the first thing we saw was people rock-climbing. We saw many groups of people, males and females, and mainly are angmohs, it was really interesting and tough, but its something that i wouldn't dare to try, i have got height-phobia. adele took lots of pictures of the rock-climbers and after that we went on to Railey west where we spent the rest of the day there. It's one of the beautiful beach at Railey. True enough, it's really beautiful and many people already lying on the beach and playing in the water. We found ourselves a slightly shady place to setup our ground sheet and like the others days, i went into the water right after that.

After a short while, i came out of the water and went to have have my "packet" lunch, from the local cafe at Krabi town where we had our breakfast earlier on, fried rice with seafood. After lunch, i rested then went into the water again, enjoying the beautiful scenery and watching people playing in the water and on the beach, rested on the beach for a while before we headed back to Railey east to take the same long-tail boat back to Krabi town.

Time passed so fast that we didn't realised that it was our last day at Krabi. We will be heading home by the 7+ pm flight back to SIngapore on this day. But we wouldn't waste anymore time, we had breakfast at the same local cafe we had on the day before. Soon after that,  we went back to the guest house to do our last packing for home and check out. After checkout, we went to the pier to meet the taxi-driver that we had booked on the day before at the pier when we were heading for Railey, we had agreed on to go to the Crystal pool and hot spring for that day.

The journey was about more that an hr and we reached the hot spring at ard 10am. Many people were already dipping in the hot spring, about 41 degree Celsius, and there are signboard saying not to stay in the hot spring for more the 20 mins, we went into the spring and we stayed inside for abt 20-30 mins in total. After which we headed for the Crystal pool, it was a long walk into the woods, abt 30 mins walk before we saw a natural pool called the Emerald pool, becoz the whole place looks green, it's so nice that i cant wait to go into the pool. adele went on to look for the Crystal Pool, which is said to be abt 500m away, while i stayed in the emerald pool to swim. abt 30 mins later, adele came back and joined me in the pool. we stayed there till abt 1.30pm then we walk out of the woods to the taxi and we went back to the guesthouse to have our last shower for the trip there before we head back for Singapore.

After our shower we went to Cafe 89 again to have our last sumptuous dinner, we ordered green curry and black peppered and garlic beef. It was the most fulfilling dinner and we were happy. After dinner, we walked back to the guesthouse and waited for the same taxi to take us to the airport for the flight home. I really could say we were very lucky for the whole trip, there was no rain throughout our stay at Krabi and we enjoyed ourselves very much. Finally we already at the airport waiting for our flight home and it started to rain heavily outside again. We reached Singapore at abt 10pm and our ex-colleague, Alan, came to the airport to fetch us back home. We are finally back!!